Making a tea using unknown fungus growing on the side of a dying tree

To toy with someone instead of immediately killing them when you're in a battle to the death

The return of crotch snap body suits

Unnecessary cheap laser facial treatments That require 10 months of healing

Engaging in criminal activity as President

boozy gummy bears

Purchasing a 3.5 foot long Lego Imperial Starship for over $700 despite already having spent thousands of dollars on Lego within the past 6 months that even your credit card company wanted to double check that you hadn't been hacked by a 16 year old

Bottomless mimosas followed by virtual reality Finger Coaster

Removing a mercury vapor tube from a high magnetic field with a fork

Fixing a snatch coil with scotch tape and placing it in a high magnetic field with a mercury vapor tube

Two untrained golden retriever puppies

Having a couch shipped from Ikea

Renting to Junior Gallette

Using a flame thrower to kill weeds

Trump

Applying the five second rule on the subway. 

Tan leggings

Buying and consuming artificial sweeteners in bulk.

Joining a public sports team and posting all over Facebook with your real name whilst evading a felony in Michigan. 

Curling your eyelashes while driving 60mph.

Allowing self to develop debilitating fifteen cup of coffee per day habit.

Jeggings

Dating someone who is honestly fearful of the inevitable Zombie apocolypse.

Text messaging your supervisor, "Hey, you got any weed?"

Throwing a copy of Time Out on your desk at work and not checking to make sure that it didn't accidently flip open to the "Sex and Dating" section.

RV Trip Through Iceland

Being tattooed to look like a Luchador.

Vegas ass pants.

Putting an egg in your backpack (rather than a ziplock bag), especially without checking to see if it is hardboiled.

Putting baby oil on a building.

Touching kids in the swimsuit area.

Snow kayaking.

Bacon flavored "juice" filled gummies.

Thomas Kinkade Disney.

Thomas Kinkade.

The Anne Geddes Store.

Welding, with your face shield up, while standing on the guard rails of an arial lift projecting over a trench.

Giant Freemason Tattoo.

Breakfast in gummy candy form.

Hello Kitty machine guns.

Text messaging while driving.

Taking prescription medication with side effects of swallowing your tongue and compulsive gambling and sex.

Choosing to nonchalantly communicate via text message to express an emergency situation.

Rock Climbing with or without post rock climbing massage.

Drilling a hole into a metal loaf pan.

Helping a stranger (who may someday erect your scaffolding) cheat on their scaffold safety exam.

Macarena on the accordion.

Purchasing a soul on E-Bay.

Working for Connie Silver.

Beauty products for dogs (nailpolish, hairspray, mousse, eyeliner, mascara).

Moving to Charlottesville.

Home taxidermy.

Homemade luge track.

To sign a lease for any apartment, when the rental office tells you "if anyone asks, you got the pamphlet about lead paint."

To name your child after any haircare product.

Warm mayonaise.

To wear any outfit that requires thong underwear that must be white.

To rely solely on email as communication with aforementioned crushes.

To develop crushes on unattainable men who cause one to produce fantasies of the mundane.

Laser eye surgery in the back of a truck.

Karma Chameleon infomercial.

To have dreads if you're white.

To date anyone who you must request they not wear a cloak in public (druids).

To make a Broadway musical version of Interview With a Vampire; scored by Elton John.

Scotch tape on a snatch coil.

To smoke an unknown illegal substance if a stranger yells, "Minnesota! Gotta represent!"

To wear a self-modified spiked bike helmet.

To rollerblade while wearing a miniskirt holding on to an active bicyclist while straddling the back wheel while not wearing a helmet.

Answer randomnly ringing public telephones.

Shit-scrape pattern linoleum.

Tattoos of cartoon characters.

Paint eyeball with liquid eyeliner.

Mullets.

Lying on your taxes.

Attending Kiaja Morganthaler's birthday party.

Abercrombie and Fitch for children.

Wearing pants that read "Bootiliscious" in rhinestones across the ass.

Touching money and then putting your fingers in your mouth - that's how germs are spread.

To send confrontational emails to Darin without keeping a copy for yourself.

To take OTC drugs for the benefits of their potential side effects.

To purchase any hat which will make you look like a penis.

To become or advertise yourself as a "cross-country booty call".

To drink Dr. Pepper syrup directly from a soda machine when the carbonated water is out.

Sticking metal objects (i.e. unbent paperclips, silverware) into outlets or toasters.

Replying to a "Crushmaster" email.

Jumping out of moving logs on flume rides.

Accepting oversized wooden horses as gifts.

Edible underwear.

Taking any products advertised in emails to enlarge either your penis or your breasts.

Buying panties from a bin.

Tube tops.

Internet dating.

To break up with someone in an email.

To date people from Montana.

To let Amway salespeople suck you into their web of evil.

Men's thongs
aka: weenie bikini, banana hammock

Daylight Savings.

Eating things that explicitly say they may cause "anal seepage".

Attempting to take in one semester: GRE, LSAT, MCAT.

Read Proust.

Trying to have sex with a cannon.

Attempting to trick a genie or a leprechaun.

Multiple shots of Schnapp's, in a row.

Putting lit candles on milk cartons.

Inviting drunken Welshmen into your bedroom.

To brag about having a "tongue for the language".

To procrastinate.

To drink Israeli vodka.

Purchasing any juice that states in the ingredient list "contains orange componants and edible acids".

Ordering lunch, in anger, while in Toledo, Spain.

Ordering shrimp at a restaurant named Cafe Ebolae.

Travel to Turkey with a duffel bag when you have a perfectly good backpack of the same dimensions.

Attempt to take Russia by land.